he's gone pro.

yesterday was our last appointment with midwife kellie. you woke up at 7am and wouldn't go back to bed. i laid in bed with you until 9am, you were nursing on and off and i was sleeping on and off. then you got restless so we got up. mom made breakfast for me and you sat in your swing for a few minutes so we could eat with two hands. mom took you outside when we were done. i did the dishes then asked if she could watch you while i took a shower. i started some laundry, picked up a little, and then took a shower. i went to find you guys, mom had you outside in the pavilion on the gliding chair, you were staring at the checkered pattern on the chair, fighting sleep. you've become a real pro at fighting the sandman. you closed your eyes for maybe five minutes.

i took you upstairs to change you and then put you in the carseat so were could leave. mom asked me to pick her car up from the shop on the way to our appointment. you started crying and it escalated to a full on screaming fit. we pulled over so mom could drive and i could sit in the back with you. once i sat in the back and gently held your warm body beneath my hands and softly told you i was there and that you weren't alone. you continued to cry for a little while then stopped to stare out the window. your eyes were getting heavy but you refused to give in. i covered your carseat with a blanket so there wouldn't be so many distractions and it'd be easier for you to give in to sleep. and you did. for about 20 minutes until we got to the car shop and dropped mom off. you were screaming, so i decided to check and see if your diaper was wet, it was, so i changed you, then put you back in your car seat. you quickly resumed crying. i tried consoling you but my efforts were useless. you cried all the way to kellie's office, about 30 minutes.

once we got there i fed you and held you for a minute. you calmed down as soon as i picked you up out of your carseat. you really hate your carseat these days. you were happy at kelpie's, fussed a little for a minute or two, but mostly happy. at that point you had been awake for 5 hours. five! i was impressed at how calm you were being considering how long you had been up. our last kellie appointment went well. i was sad i won't be seeing her until we, if we, decide to have another baby. she told me she does well women exams so that's good, i'll be able to see her once a year at least. i like her a lot. she's sweet with you and was really helpful during the birth.

you fell asleep at the end of our appointment, stayed asleep for about 15 minutes on the way home. i was pleasantly surprised i was able to successfully get you into your carseat still asleep. you started crying again. we went to target and you slept for 45 minutes, longest nap of the day. you cried all the way home. i laid you down on the bed upstairs while i closed myself in the closet and wept for a minute. i composed myself and got a rag and diaper so i could change you. you cried. i picked you up and rocked you for a while, still crying. then we laid down and i told you we were going to take a nap. i nursed you on my side and patted your back. you played the silly game you play when you're not quiet hungry enough to latch on immediately. but then we went to sleep. papa got home late and i successfully maneuvered my way out of the bed without waking you up.

we ate dinner and i was surprised you were still asleep. we watched a movie. at 10:30pm i decided we should wake you up because you had now been sleeping for almost six hours! longest nap of your young life. just as we were heading upstairs you started to rustle on the monitor. you nursed then went back to sleep.

what a long day.

today i'm leaving you for the first time. i'm going to a concert with an old friend from school. your papa is going to watch you. i've heard my friends talk about how hard it is to leave their babies with someone else. i don't feel that way. i need some space and time for me. 

balance.