a little more than three.

this last week and a half you've been awake more. instead of long naps after drunken milk mustaches that mark the end of a feeding, you've kept your slate eyes open and curious. i wonder what you think about this world. what you think about me and your dad. i wonder what it means when you furrow your eyebrows or put on a crooked smile. does your frown mean the same thing to you as it does to me?

it's hard not to think something is wrong when you stay awake because i've grown familiar with our routine of eating and napping. i'm enjoying your awake time and getting to know you. your eyes are always wide with excitement and curiosity. sometimes you get fussy and i'm not sure what you want. i'll try to feed you, we'll go outside, i'll hold your little body in all the different positions i've learned, i put you in your stroller and push you around, i'll lay you down, check your diaper, try to feed you again. sometimes it seems like you just need to cry for a little bit while i'm holding you and trying the list of things that usually work to calm you. during all my failed attempts to soothe you, you've cried for a few minutes and you seem to be content again. it's as if you needed to get the frustration out of your system and that's the only way you know how to do that. i can imagine it's frustrating being a little one with no way to communicate what you want and you can't yet move in the ways you may want to.

we take you outside a lot when you're awake. when most of our attempts to satisfy you fail, as soon as the warmth of the sunshine hits your skin, more often than not, you're happy again. my little nature boy. i can't wait to take you on adventures. i hope we get to go to colorado with you sometime soon. the mountains have always fed my soul. i'll show you the world little one, you can count on me. 

this week we've gone on a few adventures out of the house. it's nice to get out. you hated your car seat. i sat in the back with you and hold your warm body in my hands and tell you i'm there and you're not alone, that you're in your carseat while we drive to keep you safe in case there's an accident and that's why i have to wear my seat belt. you haven't cried that much since then and seem to be more content in your seat than you were at first. so i like to think you understood me.

a cure for the cabin fever.

yesterday was our first day out of the house since you were born. it's lucky we didn't have to be anywhere at a specific time because we would have most certainly been late.

we ate breakfast and then i fed you. you closed your eyes and i went to get dressed and make up your diaper bag, as i had not planned ahead. after i was all ready and your dad had helped me get the car all loaded up. your diaper was wet so i went to change you and put some clothes on your skin that's been so close to mine. your eyes began to open and you put your fist to your mouth letting me know you were hungry yet again. so i sat down to feed you again while your dad cooled off the car and finished setting up your carseat. when you were done you dad took you and we made our way to the car and laid your sleeping body in your seat.

the car seat. i have never felt so inadequate. at first we couldn't figure out how to make the straps fit over your shoulders so that they'd clip in without squeezing your little body. so we adjusted the part that makes it taller, so the straps would have more slack. this setting made it hard for you to keep your head held back so it fell forward because you're not yet strong enough to hold it up. it just looked so uncomfortable and i'm sorry for that. we eventually figured how to have the height adjusted appropriately to your size and also to give the straps enough slack to not squish you... but it still looked wrong.

we went to get some more covers for your cloth diapers and stopped to get lunch. we sat in the car so you could nurse and hopefully fall asleep before we put you in the impossible contraption that's designed to keep you safe. as i hopefully laid you down in the seat you shut your eyes and we pulled out of the parking lot. soon after you started crying and i felt helpless. we pulled over so i could pull you out and nurse you again. you fell asleep quickly and we were on our way. we went to get a couple of things from babies-r-us, and to exchange a phone case from best buy. we put you in the peg-preggo stroller i scored from a resale store and you slept the whole time; even the transfer from the stroller to the carseat went well.

i am in love with the lessons you've taught us. it's been such a joy being your mom so far. i can't wait for a lifetime of lessons with you.

the fourth trimester.

they say the first week is the hardest. we've made it there, with flying colors.

it didn't take long to get accustomed to our two, sometimes three hour naps, that seemed to come almost natural. we fell pretty quickly into a routine of me feeding and daddy changing your diapers. my bones are healing. i'm still tender from our frequent hour long nursing sessions, but i hear that should pass in the up coming week or so. you latched on so naturally. you have been so helpful, the intuitive way you'll ask for another feeding, that sometimes seems to come all too quickly. you sleep right next to me. even if i put you at a distance so i can sleep a little better, i'm always softly awakened to the feeling of a little warm body next to mine and the sound of innocent whimpers and grunts that let me know it's time for you to eat again. you have the sweetest little voice.

this past week has been full of adventures and unexpected trials. after you came earth side, there were things nobody tells you, nobody talks about. i had not expected to need so much help. i needed a hand walking to the bathroom for the next couple of days in order not to fall. standing up and walking, just the short distance to the restroom, made my heart race and my breath quicken. my bones that had birthed you were sore for a few days which made getting out of bed and walking a slow and sometimes difficult task. maybe it was ignorance, but i had expected to feel back to normal much sooner. i had also not been prepared for the vicious chills that came in the night, the fever that came after, and then waking up in a salty wet bed. i had felt like superwoman. it was such a high, finally bringing you into the world, but that invincible feeling left all too quickly. i had not expected to be so fragile.

i feared i would be devastated over the loss of the girl i used to be. maybe that's yet to come. i feel like the same person, which is a welcome surprise. so maybe that feeling won't come. i had been warned about what an emotional wreck i could become. i have held the saddest of tears in my eyes. heart breaking sobs over simple upsets. i've also laughed to the point of tears several times. and loved stronger than i ever thought possible.

they say you'll never know a love as strong as the love you have for your child. i now know how true that is.